Every few days I get a newsletter that promises to help me solve the one problem everybody seems to have: getting more done. Some of these newsletters are full of valuable content and I can see the hours of work going into that 5-minute read. Others keep blasting the basics: one priority, get one thing done in the morning, block uninterrupted time, say no more often. And though this line of thought doesn’t make it into my inbox, I am aware it’s an alternative too - it’s not about getting more done, but just being present and living life at it happens. Yet whatever new method or hack pops up, there’s always that inevitable, empty feeling I get after reading about it. I’m a mom and productivity isn’t for moms.

It’s not that we’re not productive. Quite the opposite, we are productive all the time. We shop, cook, feed, clean up and clean after, wash, fold, stuff into backpacks, research, schedule, drive, chaperone, pick up, check up on others every day. And these are just some of the many responsibilities of growing people and supporting a household. It’s a line of work that requires more planning skills and discipline than I’ve ever needed in any job, corporate or startup. My work day starts at 6 something and ends at 21 something and I am on call since 2020, night after night. It feels like there’s growing awareness of what it means to be a stay-at-home mom, but the productivity thought is so far off.

The one big pain we face isn’t that we don’t do enough. Rather, we do so much that rarely do we get to squeeze ourselves into that running to-do of keeping the home afloat. Whenever I hear “you make time for yourself” I feel completely misunderstood. I can make time for myself, but who’ll make time for the tasks I’m putting off? Sure, one time takeaway lunch is fine. Yes, husband can stay with the kids for a few hours on Sunday. Even then, these solutions are bandaids because they do not hold up systematically. “Making time for myself” is very often a matter of privilege, of being able to afford the price of neglecting certain parts of our family life that function so well exactly because we are investing our time in them.

I am still waiting for the productivity method that will radically change my job as a mom and household manager. In the mean time, I find that some days are easier and some days harder, and that the most impactful aspect of my life is not the amount I can get done or the sense of accomplishment when we hit the lights. It’s the felt texture of lived life, as Dan Siegel puts it. It’s the sense I have of how it felt to be me that day. On most days, I don’t regret things undone, but I often feel for myself for all the moments when I felt overwhelm.

So I’ve decided to help myself have more easy days by making up my own systems. Not one method to rule them all, but collections of resources for problems I face as the kids grow and our life changes. Right now, my girls are 4 years old and 1 year old and we’re hoping to have another child as soon as possible. So I’m prepared for more challenges. And as I help myself I will share with you all the resources I gather. If it means you and I can have one easy day as moms, I’ll have done something meaningful.